browneyez_6969

I heard my friend's friend died today.. I know it's just a friend but hearing about someone dying .. makes ya wonder about life.. and what that person could been..he died in his 30's I believe.. and ya know.. last yr we had alot of deaths.. especially on the reservation.. and they weren't just elders but they were also young ones too.. younger than me..

It makes you wonder what will happen and when your time is up.. how will you go?? Like my neighbor.. an old lady whom I didn't talk to nor get along w/ but yet I felt bad cuz she died alone.. she was dead the whole day.. and no one knew .. well from what I've heard they kept callin.. and she didn't answer.. come to find out .. she passed earlier that day.. which is sad..

but think about it.. we all are gonna die.. some just don't know when.. and some are numbered.. as in days.. they have so many days until one day.. they are gone.. but then again.. I'm tryin not to be all down about it..cuz it's gonna happen.. we all are gonna die..

like my babygirl Jem.. I know she is gonna die.. eventually.. but no one knows exactly when but she is.. and the saddest thing to me about this is.. she will never know what she coulda been.. but she right now is the happiest lil girl anyone would have met.. she is all smiles.. rarely cries.. the only emotion you see from her is either smiling and or pain.. but never sadness..

The thought of losing someone.. whether it be.. son.. daughter.. mother.. father.. uncle.. aunt.. grandma.. grandpa.. lovers.. friends.. or even enemies.. either way someone died.. and all you have is memories.. the more I think about it..

The person I miss the most would be my great grandma.. even tho I didn't cry.. only cuz I held it in.. and thought I was strong cuz she was my grandma.. and she would have not wanted me to cry.... I actually didn't cry until they started talkin about her.. showing her pics.. her fave outfit.. the chair she sat in.. everything that she ever did.. they talked about it..

and all the emotions you had held inside.. busted free and the tears flowed.. endlessly.. all the pain.. hurt.. washed away.. only to realize that she is in a happier place.. and just cuz you didn't cry while watchin her casket slowly slide into the ground.. holding your head high.. she knew you loved her.. and that it is ok to cry.. cuz if you think about it.. my grandma lived a happy full feeling life..

I know this was about ppl dying but it made me think of her.. and always smiled when I remembered a few things about her.. I mean I was her favorite grand-daughter.. I loved her alot and missed her so much.. ever since she died.. it's like things really changed.. we don't go huckleberry picking.. those were fun times.. always gettin in trouble when our baskets weren't filled and our faces were stained from the berries.. but we didn't care..

It was the fact that we spent time together and had fun doing it.. always went up to the mtns.. camping.. enjoying nature.. and all it's offerings.. she loved to beadwork also.. she did her beading up until she died.. and she did beautiful work.. and she also talked about different kinds of roots.. medicine (sp).. always full of info.. I realized we did alot of things while she was alive..

I just realized something.. my cuzzo died.. when he was young buck.. it was sad cuz that death shouldn't have had happen and it did.. he committed suicide.. he was the cooliest cuzzo I've had.. my bro loved him.. he was so nice.. sweetest person you would have ever met.. and he died cuz of a female.. which is sad.. cuz she didn't deserve him... but he must have thought world of her.. or he wouldn't have died.. if he couldn't have her.. there probably is another side to that.. but they say it's cuz of her..

I remember one night listening to the radio and Puffy daddy and N. BIG song came on.. it was a sad song too.. and I sat there listened to it.. and started crying cuz he was gone.. and my grandma was gone.. it hurt cuz ppl you love died.. and well he didn't have to go.. but he did.. he chose to take his life.. to end it.. well.. anyways..

well.. I guess I'll end this .. and think of other things to post later on.. but I thought I would put my LJ to use.. since it is a Journal..

my heart.. is aching..
it's torn apart..
it doesn't know what to think..

should it be happy..
should it be sad..
it's feeling rather confused right now..


Should it leap for joy..
or cry in pain..
omg.. what to do..

should it tell the tears..
flow.. just flow..
let it out..

your heart is screaming..
your tears want to flow.. !!!!

well it's been a while.. I'm past the 30 thing.. I guess it's not to bad.. still not feeling any different but yet ask me again when I turn 50 and I'll tell you..

not much has changed..as far as most of you know.. nothing to exciting happening.. just doing my usual..tinkering online and making new friends.. at least I think they are lol..

Today is my b-day and I'm 30yrs old.. Yay!! eh..

what to say.. being 30yrs old.. I can look at my past and say it wasn't the greatest I know I'm not the greatest person and yet haven't done nothing exciting to even bother looking back at the past.. ok I do occasionaly look back and wish I could change things but what is done is done, all you can do is look at the present and the future and see what you can do there..

I not going to talk about love this time.. but maybe life..

I know there are changes in my future and I look forward to them.. sometimes you just have to take that jump and never look back and I plan on not looking back once I take that jump..changes are a good thing I think sometimes a change can make a difference in your life, whether it be for the good or the bad..

Life has alot to offer and if you just stay in that rut your in now your not going to get anywhere.. maybe it's time to let things go..

I've been sitting here wondering about the past year.. as the new year fastly approaching.. besides the fact that next month/year I'll be 30yrs old.. thinking of hitting the 30's makes me feel so old.. but besides that..

I must say I've made alot of friends this past year.. some I can say I truely trust more than others..as others are just friends.. I'm reaching the point now where I'm going to really start having ppl earn my trust.. and in return I'll do the same..I guess I just need to stop being so open like I've been doing in my LJ's or like now..

Even tho I've got alot going on in my mind.. right.. I'll just cut back on what I think..or goes through..

Trying to think who you real friends are.. and who aren't..

I know the ones that aren't my real friends are the ones who lie and backstab.. and still lie.. and yet they tell you to your face...that they are being honest with you and yet.. you get this feeling that they aren't being so truthful..

Only a true friend will tell you what they are thinking.. no matter what.. they are honest and upfront.. if it hurts your feeling well hey..at least they are honest about it.. and not hiding things.. not giving you this feeling that they are lying..

I hate those ppl who say they are honest to you and yet they are still backstabbing you..it's like they enjoy it...it just shows that they are more fucked up in the head than anyone else (not counting that one person).. I don't need to be around that shit!!

This is all I can say is FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!! FUCKING LIARS!!!!!!

oh wow.. I'm a buzzed chic!! rofl!!.. k.. here is what I was thinking.. yes the meaning of life..

Life..did you ever think about it..I have always have.. the one main thing is ...

Pain..
hatred...
Misery..
all the aweful things it gives us.. but there is always good things that balance us out about it..

Love..
Happiness..
Joy..(I guess lol)

but pain and misery always is what gets me.. I hear that Pain loves Misery.. or that Misery loves company.. either way.. Life brings you all kinds of things.. I feel them all.. mainly pain.. the pain of watching ppl or things die before me.. we all have and I know that.. but you know what pain feels until it inflicks itself into you.. and it continues to do so until you all can do is scream and tell it to stop.. but when really it doesn't.. what do you do then.. no one knows..cuz even if it stops.. it will for a certain period of time and then starts back up..it's a never ending episode..

Love...love is like a feeling of being wanted by the one who wants you, wanting to be with you and cherish every moment you spend with them.. but then is there really love?!?!? or is it just something that ppl make up and say it's love.. but really.. is it.. you can never find love until ... yes... until it happens to you or even better.. like what I hear... you can NOT love another until you learn to LOVE yourself first.. oh come on!!! who really loves themselves?!?!? just how are you suppose to love yourself?!?! I could come up with a few things to "Love" yourself.. but really tho.. it's actually means.. you've gotta love who you are.. and what you think of yourself.. how you see yourself.. and are you comfortable with yourself... ?!?!?

I don't know.. I'm buzzed right now.. so I'm allowed to babble atm..lol :P cuz I said so!! lol.. naw just kidding.. I do gotta head out tho.. to I'll chat with ya all laterz.. oh and btw.. I'm still working that "warped and twisted".. I've talked to my anonymouse friend that no one knows about it.. and not saying when that will happen but we are still in the works.. *wink* so Va your still gonna have to suffer about who this person is.. cuz I'm not giving up the name lol..


Sorry I had to use Drunk (mood) cuz they didn't have buzz (mood) lol..

Look closely as you can see my tears fall.
My screaming can be heard if you listen.
Consumed by hatred as it is my only emotion.

These words stuck out the most..

"Look closely as you can see my tears fall".. I close my eyes as I feel a every single tear slide down your face as it as well slides down mine..

"my screams can be heard if you listen" I open my ears only to you as I to scream in pain!! Pain in which only two can feel!!

"Consumbed by hatred as it is my only emotion" I listen and look only to you as I see that your eyes have darkened..taken only by hatred, letting the pain consume you..not caring for those who let you in and then shut you out!!

I should know I was that person that shut you out and let you go!! I gave you the hatred and pain!! I will forever be in your hell!!! I am damned!! only to feel the emotion of nothing..

I ask myself why.. why me.. I've done nothing wrong but yet you refused to listen and so I did what I did.. I put you in your own personal hell!!

(I like that one.. lol.. hmm... I should do one where I can title it warped and twisted!!)

Alrighty I'm back here again.. wondering about a few things.. one of them is what the hell is going on!! I'm wondering about life.. Life is crazy.. it's one those amazing things that just you just don't understand.. and when you finally do something else comes up..

Love, well who really needs love.. love is just a four letter word.. so is something else..lol.. oh well.. I guess when you need love you can find it just about everywhere.. and there are different kinds of love.. I'm babbling again aren't I..lol..

and that last thing..Whatever comes.. no one knows what that is going to be.. cuz you never know what is going to come.. things change..ppl change.. life changes.. some come and go.. others are still there wishing nothing would change.. I myself don't really care.. I know changes aren't good but then again some are good.. you just gotta look at it how you see it..


Well right now I'm just sittin here chillin I should playing on rp dragon but atm I'm looking for a new pic.. or checking out pics..say the least..I've realize I don't think my posts make senses.. since for one.. they don't like to stay on one subject..lol.. hmm.. my mind just likes to wonder.. alrighty I'm outta here.. laterz !!

oh yeah btw.. I still gotta use a few of these moods.. *grins* what I need to do is get "in the mood" to do them *wink* rofl!!! you sickos!! pervs!! lol.. laterz..

I sit here.. I look around.. and yet I sit here.. trying to figure out what sense I can make of what is going on.. especially with.. everything.. this month has been the difficult month I must say.. besides Rob only getting shitty hours..and barely making it each pay day.. is really hard..

but.. I still keep my head held high..(no I'm not a snob either lol) naw.. but I try to make the best out of it tho.. wow.. I just realized the time.. lol it's late.. and yet here I am .. babbling away.. like nothing.. I wonder how I could bore you guys to death.. by talking about mindless and senseless things...lol.. man I so need a life..

alrighty.. I think I bored myself into a coma..lol..I want to drink.. I got myself a martini set.. just need the alcohol to go with it and I'll be set!! Yay!! so if any of you guys.. want to donate.. please donate to "Cyndee's Alcohol foundation" *grins*.. you'll be supporting a worthy cause.. *grins bigger*.. and it's worth it!! I'll be sure the put the money where it needs to go.. the candy store!! alrighty I'm outta here..laterz!!

ok it's close to halloween.. and NO I'm not dressing up lol.. well this is all cuz I'm a boring a person :-P lol

It's been a while since I've posted in here.. and well the last few days or shall I say weeks have been a difficult one.. alot has happen..I don't know where to begin.. well let's start when my husband and I got into a fight..it was about two weeks ago.. roughly.. *laughs* but that night was something that made me realize that I had to make a decision and realize what needs to come first.. and that was my family.. everything else around me I felt I had to put on hold even if it was my happiness..

No matter what I do or say .. no matter what happens.. Reality is going to catch up to you.. it's you who has to decide what you want.. but for me.. my reality is my girls.. my family..

I have a daughter who is dying.. We never know when she'll leave.. but she'll soon become an angel that god wants her to be.. she is the sweet thing on earth.. so pure and innocent.. Ever since we found out she was slowly dying.. our life changed from then on... I don't didn't know what to expect... it's like my life ended.. and yet I'm waiting for it to begin when in reality it has.. I was or we were given a very special child.. and she was the one who will decide my future.. my future holds that either she'll bring me and husband closer or it will bring us apart.. I don't know what to expect and really no one else does either..

Besides having a terminal daughter.. I also have another daughter.. She is postively amazing.. I adore her and she is rather kinda like me.. she is outgoing and easy to get along with.. but she is also persuant (sp) I know when she grows up she'll become something.. but right now she is growing to fast.. but I know that I have to show her a few things in life.. and I know she'll learn along the way.. I want her and I to be good friends.. best friends.. someone who she'll come to realize that I will always be there for her whether it be her first step into becoming a woman to having a boyfriend.. to finding her special love.. but I need to show that love is something that should be cherished and not let go.. that she should follow her heart.. but yet to not give it away so easily.. to guard until that days comes when someone can easily open it up.. and for her to know that when that happens.. he is the one for her..

those are my daughters.. I love them both equally.. I've been through alot myself.. and realize that there was one person who was able to make me see love again.. and yet I let it go.. I took my heart away and now I'm here.. back to where I started.. back to reality.. back to my family.. I guess I just need to stop being selfish and start thinking about them and not me.. like I have been since my husband and I got back togather.. I never let my guard down.. until this one person came into my life.. he showed me that things are possible.. that there is true happiness and I let it go..

You could say that I hate reality.. I would rather be in a fantasy world.. where in fantasy things can't hurt you.. but then again in fantasy it also can cause the same pain..I guess you could say I like my little world.. a world where things are at ease and peaceful.. no worries and no pain..

Addiction

I found a drug..
best drug to be on..
Trust me you'll love it!

It'll make you want more!
It'll make you crave it!
It'll give you a feelin..
Never felt before!

Soon you'll be an addicted
Soon you'll do anything
for it!

It'll consume you!
your thoughts..
your dreams..
your life..

You wonder what this drug is..
maybe I shall.. let your figure it out!

I just noticed another one of those lil emotions thingys ha ha ha and I should have used it when I do that.. you'll have to check out what that mood is when I decide to use it.. or I'll show you.. and tell me what you think.. but then again I don't know if it's something that shouldn't be mixed w/ internet and that.. lol!! oh well.. laterz..

I wish tho!! but I'm not atm.. Ha Ha Ha!! (wishful thinking here)

Ha ha ha I am so glad this weekend is over!!! It sucked coz I was in the car pretty much the entire trip and being at a relatives house sucked also coz I don't know what to do.. they were to buzy gettin ready for a BBQ on Sunday.. but I am so glad it's over!! But we did have to bring Jemyni to the hospital today coz she needed a new feeding tube since her grandfather accidently pulled it out.. but all is good *smiles* and I didn't get to watch Siddalee today either nor will I be watching her on Wednesday also.. coz Jemyni has another appt then also.. so this week will be going by fast lol.. gawd.!!! Well I am outta here be back laterz!! toodlez!!

Ok.. I watched the movie!! Yes I did watch it!! I must say this tho.. the scenary (sp) is amazing!! besides the gayiness in the movie.. it was actually pretty good.. it didn't show them kissing or having sex alot! actually not that bad of a movie.. ROFL!! well ok.. I'll admit.. it was kinda different.. seeing two guyz kissing and holding each other.. but it wasn't like that all through out the movie!! I guess you all will just have to watch it!! ROFL!!

For the guyz you can just cover your eyez.. ROFL!! j/k

I noticed something each time you do an entry.. you get to pick out your moods.. well I noticed one that said "Horny" ha ha ha now what in the he11 are you suppose to do w/ that one.. not everyone wants to know your "horny" geez!!! that is crazy tho.. I can understand most of the moods but not all.. some of them I don't get either lol.. but that is just me.. I might as well pull out a dictionary and look up the words before I use them.. just so I know what kind of mood I am in.. but that one "Horny" gets me the most tho!!

And NO I am NOT "Horny" ROFL!! I was just wondering is all lol.. =P

This one I wrote back in 2004. I would say around when Rob and I were seperated.. but I wrote this for him but the poem is about Jemyni *smiles*

Jemyni K. Bean

Open your eyez
and you will realize
not everybody is the same

Some are unique
Some are Special
Some need help

But most of all
only one needs you.

So open your eyez
and you will see

She is just a child
with special needs.

She is asking for you
for your help, your love
and for you to realize..

She is just like you.
she has needs too..


Ok.. I like this one.. *smiles* but I also found this saying somewhere. I forgot where tho lol.. but I liked it and atm it sounded good at the moment.. well actually at any moment.. *smiles*

"If God Brings You to it - He'll Bring you through it. Lord I Love You and I Need You. Come into My Heart. Today, For Without You I can do Nothing."

It's cool tho I like it.. *smiles* well ttyl